


Gtop and the mysterious email: Fate's Fools Meta

by TabisMouse (Mousieta)



Series: Fate's Fools [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 20:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18415172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mousieta/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: Meta documentation for the fic Fate's Fools.





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a traditional fic but rather the documentation of my fic Fate's Fools. I decided while writing this to attempt to document the various phases of its development from initial prompt to full realization, kinda like a drawing process vid but for writing. 
> 
> Ch. 1: Author's note detailing how the fic came about and the meaning behind its eventual realization.   
> Ch. 2: Initial prompt and response  
> Ch. 3: Expanded Outline  
> Ch. 4: Working Outline

I decided early on in the process of creating this fic to attempt to document the various stages of its progress, both as documentation for its own sake, but also for those interested in the writing process or trying to find their own process. So, the subsequent chapters of this are various versions of my process.

I also find it interesting that this fic and my first real longfic ever How to Love are both GTop get back together fics (technically She Wasn’t Wrong could be considered a long fic but it wasn’t really written that way as opposed to patched together one-shots) but are very different as my ability level was very different 4 years ago.

The prompt for this fic was posted in my group chat by my lovely prompt fairy on Feb 22, 2018 just as Jiyong was getting ready to enlist. Like many random statements from my prompt fairy, I started free-flowing a little fliclet in response. 

Like most of the fliclets I write in chat, it would likely have just slipped into the char archive, if the photos of Top dropping GD off on the day of his enlistment had not come out. Then the prompt returned and I wrote the following ficlet on my tumblr blog which was posted March 2, 2018. 

[ https://web.archive.org/web/20190407173819/http://mousieta.tumblr.com/post/171435878636/last-night-a-gtop-ficlet ](https://web.archive.org/web/20190407173819/http://mousieta.tumblr.com/post/171435878636/last-night-a-gtop-ficlet)

After that the story of what happened after this scene began to really emerge. A few days later I wrote in chat what became my Expanded outline. It was originally formatted like a series of texts, but after copy/pasting it into a gdoc (the sign that an Idea is going to become an actual Fic) I cleaned it up into paragraph form. 

This formed the basic structure of the plot. You’ll note that the initial outline differed drastically from the final fic. This isn’t common but isn’t completely out of nowhere. It happens sometimes. I believe an outline is at most a loose guide, it’s a general map for when I’m not sure where to go next. But it has to be flexible enough to shift as the story itself begins to emerge.

Then, I started writing. As with most fics this was written while other things were also being worked on. If you follow me you’ll notice that several fics were posted between the conception of this one and its posting. I wrote Trust Me for the Cruise Ship AU; I began the Expanded Outlines series; I wrote 2 fics for the Seungri Fic Fest (Hot Damn and Sweet Lie); I finished an ongoing co-written fic and finally completed my Big Bang/Sense 8 crossover. 

I also had several other WIPs going on that still have not been published. I usually work on several things simultaneously, working where I feel most inspired. This means that this fic was only worked on in little bits while other - higher priority works were finished. Once those were done I was able to devote more time here - and by more time I mean the 1-2 nights a week I get to write in general.

So why did the story change. The original outline has gtop as the end game. The answer is multi-pronged. First as I wrote the characters of Dongwoo and Parker emerged which were no where in the original at the same scope. They were originally just plot movers - people who could explain the central conceit: Jiyong getting Seunghyun’s letter. But as the story unfolded their characters began to grow - and more their relationships with Seunghyun and Jiyong grew. 

I subscribe a bit to Stephen King’s view that writing is very much an act of discovery. It’s akin to an archaeologist finding a bone and having an educated guess as to what the bone is, but as they dig and unearth more a clearer picture of the bone and what it belonged to emerges.

The story of a couple getting back together is rarely easy or straight-forward. There are very real material reasons for a relationship ending and those can’t easily be waved away. On top of - fate and emotion can only move people and relationships so far. Ultimately a relationship is about choice and choices are made in the presence of options. 

If Seunghyun and Jiyong can chose one another, they can also chose not to have one another. The emergence of Parker and Dongwoo reflected that as I dug into the story.

So that is that for the Watsonion analysis. When it comes to the Doyalist, my own relationship with the whole fandom changed as this was written. When this was conceived the fandom was on the cusp of temporary hiatus as the largest bulk of the members were about to enlist. At that time there was sadness tempered by the anticipation and hope of an eventual triumphant return. 

All that was destroyed as I began writing the end of this story in early 2019 with the revelations of Seungri’s various crimes and moral failings. To say that it has ripped apart the fandom is an understatement. 

I knew that I was nearing the end of my time as a creator for this fandom but the scandals solidified that and my whole relationship with VIPdom shifted. I no longer look forward to a vaulted return of OT5. There is no more OT5 for me. There is no more assurity for the future. There is only a paused moment - a frozen blip while the world waits for the resolution, for answers, for truth and certainty. 

Sometimes a blue door is just a blue door and sometimes it means something. This is a time where it means something. 

Seunghyun and Jiyong in this story don’t know their future any more than we do. Like us they are torn apart by their conflicting feelings in the face of uncertainty. Like them, ultimately, everything will depend on individual choices. 

Thus, it is to the readers to determine for themselves what happens to Jiyong and Seunghyun, much like it is for each of us to confront and determine what our relationship with this Fandom will be. 


	2. Prompt and First Response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a copy paste (with identifying information removed) of the first time this fic sparked into being, which was in a group chat of myself and several other writers. Lines that are right justified are my prompt-fairy, the terrible and wonderful Shronda. Left justified lines are me. 
> 
> This is posted with its original grammar just as I wrote it then. This formed the basis of the opening scene.

**Original Prompt:** Seunghyun: make sure you listen to your superiors. You'll have to get up early or you'll get punished and you know you hate that. Make sure you eat and don't get sick. You'll be away but they're still watching and

Jiyong: Hyung...

Silence comes again

 

OK prompt fairy so

I just give prompts you run with them

they've already dated and broken up once - and SH is enlisted and jiyong has had a few girlfriends since and somehow they're friends again

but jiyong's latest fling is fading with the looming enlistment

and he wants - he so wants -

he and SH failed miserably last time but they're older now, wiser

and they're about to be apart for two years but

he wants to come back to big bang, yes but more he wants to come back to SH

but SH has been so set on maintining the boundaries of friendship.... most of the time

there was that time shortly before he went back in.... they'd had too much to drink

their embraces had lasted a little too long

and the words SH had whispered in his ear.... but

no it'd just been that one night that one time

all night long the words of his confession dance on his tongue but cannot cross the barrier

so he listens and lets seunghyun give him advice

lets him explain basic training

as if he hasnt heard it all before

from dongwook, from YG.... from seunghyun himself

he nods and smiles and agrees to keep his head down and work hard

"You have to do well, Jiyongah, you have to-"

Seunghyun's voice breaks suddenly and he looks off, eyes rimmed in unfallen tears

"You have to because I-," he whispers but cannot finish the words

"I-" he tries again.

The confession burning in Jiyong's heart dies and he stretches out a hand to envelop Seunghyun's shoulder

spreads it across seunghyuns back to cup the nape of his neck

"Hey, I told you to stop that- it'll be ok"

Seunghyun looks to the ground and nods.

"I'll do a good job and the time will fly right by."

"I-" Seunghyuns voice is too tight for a moment so he tries again "we're gonna miss you - you and Youngbae"

that last addition is rushed, tacked on to the end of a 'you' that hovered almost too lovingly on seunghyun's lips

Seunghyun shifts uncomfortably, sliding out of jiyong's grip

'the poor maknaes," he says with a forced laugh and jiyong joins him with a huff

"come on, lets go to bed, i have to be up early"

They'd opted for a sleepover - one last one. Together they pass the room where daesung and seungri's snores chase one another.

Then there's the room where Youngbae disappeard to an hour ago to make a phone call to hyorin

they can here the low tones of youngbae's voice

jiyong's hand aches to move the finger's breadth separating it from seunghyun's but he doesnt

there's a room at the end of the hall, opposite seunghyun's... it is where jiyong will stay

the room on the right

seunghyun's is the one on the left

"pull me left, pull me left," he thinks as the reach the end of the hall

"it is my last night pull me into your room like you have so many times before... another lifetime ago"

more words unsaid

"I'll see you in the morning,"he says, turning right.

"Yeah, uh - there's towels in your closet if you want a shower and my mom's coming by with food, probably your mom too, in the morning so - uh"

Jiyong looks up at him, desire shattering his heart. He tries to smile then looks away

Seunghyun's eyes are too beautiful in the dim light of the hall

"Goodnight," jiyong says

As he clicks the door shut behind him he hears Seunghyun's voice answer, 'goodnight'


	3. Expanded Outline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a construction from the subsequent chat detailed in my Author's Note. It was also originally posted in a chat, then copied into a gdoc and cleaned up minorly to put it into rough paragraphs. 
> 
> This forms the basic plot outline for the whole fic but is a relatively dead document. I don't normally go back and edit a outline too much unless its a much larger work (thats what my working outline is for). This is just a reference point for once I start writing.

they've already dated and broken up once - and SH is enlisted and jiyong has had a few girlfriends since and somehow they're friends again but jiyong's latest fling is fading with the looming enlistment and he wants - he so wants - he and SH failed miserably last time but they're older now, wiser and they're about to be apart for two years but he wants to come back to big bang, yes but more he wants to come back to SH

but  SH has been so set on maintining the boundaries of friendship.... most of the time... there was that time shortly before he went back in.... they'd had too much to drink their embraces had lasted a little too long and the words SH had whispered in his ear.... but no it'd just been that one night that one time

all night long the words of his confession dance on his tongue but cannot cross the barrier so he listens and lets seunghyun give him advice, lets him explain basic training as if he hasnt heard it all before from dongwook, from YG.... from seunghyun himself

he nods and smiles and agrees to keep his head down and work hard

"You have to do well, Jiyongah, you have to-"

Seunghyun's voice breaks suddenly and he looks off, eyes rimmed in unfallen tears

"You have to because I-," he whispers but cannot finish the words

"I-" he tries again.

The confession burning in Jiyong's heart dies and he stretches out a hand to envelop Seunghyun's shoulder spreads it across seunghyuns back to cup the nape of his neck

"Hey, I told you to stop that- it'll be ok"

Seunghyun looks to the ground and nods.

"I'll do a good job and the time will fly right by."

"I-" Seunghyuns voice is too tight for a moment so he tries again "we're gonna miss you - you and Youngbae" that last addition is rushed, tacked on to the end of a 'you' that hovered almost too lovingly on seunghyun's lips Seunghyun shifts uncomfortably, sliding out of jiyong's grip 'the poor maknaes," he says with a forced laugh and jiyong joins him with a huff

"come on, lets go to bed, i have to be up early"

They'd opted for a sleepover - one last one. Together they pass the room where daesung and seungri's snores chase one another. Then there's the room where Youngbae disappeard to an hour ago to make a phone call to hyorin they can here the low tones of youngbae's voice

jiyong's hand aches to move the finger's breadth separating it from seunghyun's but he doesnt

there's a room at the end of the hall, opposite seunghyun's... it is where jiyong will stay the room on the right seunghyun's is the one on the left

"pull me left, pull me left," he thinks as the reach the end of the hall

"it is my last night pull me into your room like you have so many times before... another lifetime ago" more words unsaid

"I'll see you in the morning,"he says, turning right.

"Yeah, uh - there's towels in your closet if you want a shower and my mom's coming by with food, probably your mom too, in the morning so - uh"

Jiyong looks up at him, desire shattering his heart. He tries to smile then looks awaySeunghyun's eyes are too beautiful in the dim light of the hall

"Goodnight," jiyong says

As he clicks the door shut behind him he hears Seunghyun's voice answer, 'goodnight'

the day after jiyong sleeps at seunghyun's he enlists quietly his goodbyes are made at seunghyun's then he goes home and says goodbye to his fam he cant bring himself to confess to sh so he just consoles himself with a long, tight hug

that day seunghyun goes into the office and opens up his computer he's not really good with them but he knows how to open up the notepad and like he has every few days for the last month, he writes a letter to jiyong.

at the top is jiyongs new email address....he changes it every few months to stay ahead of sasaengs ....like he'd ever really send the email...but he likes to pretend

but this is a love letter.... and they arent a couple anymore he has to be cagey in his language...just in case no pronouns, no names...just words of longing and pain written to an anonymous you he writes about missing jiyong...about loving him about how the words 'lets try again' burned his lips the whole night thru but he didnt say them

he saves and closes out at the end of the day and goes home the next morning he logs in again and stares at the letter he's never going to send it gd is dating again whats the point

he selects all and hits delete saves and closes the documents that night there is a hiccough in the automated backup system and poor, tired, half drunk Parker has to go in and figure it out he's looking through the backups, manages to work it out sees a random document from yesterday's backup randomly clicks it to check it out

silly old people...he's told them time and again they have to use the web browser for emails not word documents at least the address they typed at the top seems to be legit with a put upon sigh he copies the text into an email and addresses it. it's going to come from the automated system but it seems personal so whoever the recipeint is should be able to figure it out he isnt paid enough for this shit sends it out, writes up today's backup as a loss then heads home

GD makes it through his first week and as an afterthought wanders down to get some of his allowed computer time he isnt expecting much but it might be good to poke around for instagram updates from the guys on a whim before he leaves he checks his email, more to see if the fans have found it yet.

nothing so far, so he cleans out a little bit of spam that bipassed the filter and his eye catches on what looks like an automated message it's the location that catches his eye thou, that's seunghyun's priscinct

he opens it up and manages half a paragraph...half a damn paragraph before the announcement comes on  his time is up. frantic he tries to print but the machine is down no he has to read this this is important

the computer flashes and he is forced to log out the next week is agony absolute agony

he only read a paragraph of what seemed an infinite number of words it was from seunghyun, that was obvious though how the luddite managed to send it from his works automated mailer is just.... no better not to try to work that one out

frantic he counts the days and on his free day he makes a mad rush back to the computer stack of paper in hand. he is printing this bitch he prints it and runs back to his room, stack of the letter in his greedy hands...seriously seunghyun how much did you write?

he reads it all of it it breaks his heart it heals his heart it makes the blood rush in his veins he'd give vip fanficers a run for their money though... memory is probably helping a lot in that department

he counts down the days until he can respond and then the system is shut down...because some idiots tried to download porn and then he is finished with basic and is assigned to his post and he can't seem to get to a computer and it is driving him insane

on top of that he's tired af all the time and then its been two months since seunghyun sent the letter and what if SH thinks he isnt responding because he's been rejected? what if he think's jiyong said no?

he's about to get his first leave and he'd been dying to see SH but he steps off base, free for 36 hours and he wants to call SH, needs to call SH but....

he calls anyway but there is no answer crushed, he pockets his phone and goes to his mother's daesung eventually comes by so does seungri they play and have fun but his heart isnt in it

he spends the next day with his parents then on the phone for various business ventures he contemplates ringing seunghyun again but – no

And then it's midnight and he has to headback in the morning and he's brushing his teeth to go to bed and his phone dings he almost doesnt check it but he does

SH: hey come downstairs

gobsmackeed GD does...the madman actually drove over

SH apologizes he had been trapped at work

GD makes him scooch over and let him drive - he doesn't trust SH

they go to one of their favorite spots... overlooking the city from the hills they're a little awkward, jiyong cant bring up the letter but it seems sh is avoiding it too the shoot back stories of basic training gossip chit chat

Jiyong: I'm sorry I never responded - i get it is too late now but thank you for telling me

SH: responded?

Jiyong: I wanted to, I wrote yes a million different ways but something always kept me from responding

SH: ji you are making no sense right now

Jiyong: and thanks for coming to see me even though it must have hurt to be so vulnerable and .... it wasnt a rejection but i get if you've moved on

SH: i literally have no clue what the hell is going on in this conversation

Jiyong: your letter, your confession. *he quotes a bit from it*

seunghyun's face goes ashen

SH: I never sent it

Jiyong: yes you did you sent it my first week in

SH: no i deleted it

i know i deleted it

Jiyong: well, i read it, every word

SH looks sick

Jiyong: i know its probably too late but i missed - miss - you too i would have said yes, the night before i left i'm sorry i understand if you were avoiding me this weekend

SH cuts him off with a kiss it is overwhelming and soul consuming they kiss and kiss, the gear shift uncomfortable between them their lips bruise and they suck marks into each other's skin

"Come home with me," seunghyun gasps

jiyong nods and turns the car back on as they pull away seunghyun laughs and jiyong looks at him in confusion

'do you realize where we are?' SH asks and jiyong pauses then recognition dawns he remembers them.... almost a decade ago in this same place, looking at this same view he remembers his youthful self, staring out at seoul as he confessed his love to his hyung

they must be getting older because that time they'd just popped into the backseat for mutual handjobs

he looks at Seunghyun he knows better now better to wait the half-hour drive to get sh into bed

~The End~


	4. Working Outline

As I write I keep the overall outline as a general guide which I really don’t edit but keep more as a reference. As I write I develop what is basically a working outline. As scenes or ideas will come to mind and I’ll jot them down in a living document. If I’ve decided to break the work up in to chapters, I’ll jot these down as bullet points in the appropriate chapter. If not I’ll just add them on at the end of the fic. 

Sometimes, if a scene really needs to get out, I’ll jump down to the appropriate spot in the working outline and leave it there. 

Usually when I’ve finished a scene noted in the working outline, I delete it or just move it to under a different heading, indicating it’s been done. I make modifications as necessary. 

This fic originally started with alternating chapters flipping back and forth between POVs. However, when writing a chaptered fic I try to keep all the chapters at a similar length for consistency and structure. That started to become cumbersome as I really needed to switch in ways that left the chapters lopsided. So I got rid of them and decided to keep the whole fic as one.

The first third of the story really didn’t need more than the original Expanded outline so the working outline wasn’t created until it was needed as the story started to get underway. The strikethru indicates I will not be writing that portion - I struck it thru when the direction of the story changed then added the subsequent outline.

 

> Jiyong settling in to army life
> 
> Thinks about SH
> 
> Reads thru a few fan emails
> 
> More mild flirting with Dongwoo
> 
> Fap session [in the shower starts thinking about dongwoo - it shifts to SH]
> 
> Seunghyun goes in to work and finds out his computer has been taken by Ms. Whatever  as hers broke and IT needed her to use something for now.
> 
> Several months pass - and SH starts to feel mentally healthy and balanced. 
> 
> Finds out Ji is gonna need surgery and feels concerned - wants to be there for him.
> 
> SH contemplates starting a new letter but decides against it.  SH contemplates starting a new letter but decides against it. ~~…. He starts a new letter. He decides he’s going to confess and take a shot at round 3. It’s a choice, not a compulsion. He wants them to start right. Therapy to work thru their problems whatever it takes.~~
> 
> Poor Parker is fighting with Ms. Whatever’s computer and sees an email in the recycle bin. Irritated he mails it for her.
> 
> Ji is in the hospital and gets another stack of letters from Dongwoo. Contemplates a possible relationship - can he even have a good relationship with a non-celebrity? Maybe? Does he want one? The only person he’s ever wanted is SH.
> 
> Finds SH’s letter
> 
> Seunghyun finds out about jiyong and is instantly panicked - remembers how much pain he was in after his concert and is worried. It guy is there and is like - go to your ex, be with them. Sh: if i go i dont know what will happen between us, what i will say
> 
> It guy: do you want to be with him
> 
> Sh: thats the thing i dont know. I dont know if we should be together. We keep going back and forth, i dont know if i could handle it ending again but i dont know if i could live with myself if i dont try
> 
> It guy: then you need to go, so you can find out
> 
> Sh: i kinda like us
> 
> It guy: I kinda do too but - 
> 
> ….
> 
> Sh: I’m gonna go. 
> 
> IT guy: i’ll come over if you call me later tonight...and if you dont - well - i’ll see you monday. (come over tonight = us be a thing; see you monday = they get back together)
> 
> visits Ji in the hospital 
> 
> End ambiguously with SH about to come in and Jiyong unsure if he wants to try again or not


End file.
